Lalit’s Six Losses

The baby is lost.

This was third time that I was given the same news in last 2 years of my acquaintance with Lalit. He was support staff in the office. He would finish off the routine work long before we all came into the office. If he had a specific work with anyone of us, he would stay back and meet that particular person.

“Lalit please clean the toilet properly tomorrow. It’s stinking & the dustbin is almost full.” While entering my room, I tossed this instruction to him .He said ‘ji madam’ meekly & did a gesture which meant – can I speak to you? I was putting this face to name for the first time. He hesitated to speak in the open. Sheepishly he extended a medical report – “you are a doctor na? This is my wife’s report. She is pregnant but the doctor say there is no baby inside!” His expression conveyed the confusion and disbelief on the expert. I took the reports still looking at him and trying to hear the noise in his thoughts. Since my entrance to the medical school this was the second case of pseudo pregnancy I was coming across. (This is a rare condition where the woman experiences all the symptoms of pregnancy, except formation of a foetus in the womb. This is due to the strong desire of the woman to bear a child.) I read through the prescription. The couple had lost 3 babies; this fourth one was also a lost hope. He could not believe what I was explaining to him. How can this happen? Should he get one more ultrasound done from a different place? What would he tell his wife? I realized how incomplete my education was. Explaining a rare textbook condition in real life – no teacher empowered me to handle this!

Days passed and I remembered Lalit only with the site of a dirty washroom or a cobweb hanging on my head. On a hot summer day one of the drivers informed me “Lalit is on three days leave. His wife is not well. She had an abortion”. Again!! This time he had decided to conceal the news and avoided medical checkup. Instead the couple was a regular visitor to a mazaar every Tuesday. “You scold him for doing such a childish thing. Why should he avoid a medical checkup? See what the result is!” The driver had concern in his voice. Next day he came with his wife Sunita. A short and obese woman with a smile on her face. The smile was more for the husband to sustain hope . Both listened to my advice attentively- try to avoid pregnancy for next 3 months, go for a medical check up immediately after the pregnancy is confirmed, they can continue the weekly visits to the mazar along with it.

“I wish that you take care of Sunita this time.” He was waiting for me outside the office. His request made my heart skip a beat. This was the ultimate submission of the couple, whose hopes were rekindled for the sixth time. Craving for the child had made them courageous to stake their hopes. I asked him to bring his wife along. What was in her eyes- fear, apprehension, anxiety, faith? I explained the possibilities and risks associated. My limitations to provide the needed care were very well known to them. I was expected to agree to the bestowed role of a mentor for the coming days.

The couple kept me well informed of all the developments. Everything was going on in a smooth way except mid trimester hypertension. I did a regular BP monitoring and spent a lot of time talking to Sunita. It eased out her anxiety. She was admitted to the Medical College hospital due to constant high blood pressure. While supporting the move, I felt relieved in last six months. I had an unknown companion who will take care of Sunita and her baby. In the Teaching Hospital with skilled and experienced staff, Sunita’s known bad obstetric history and a preventable situation of borderline hypertension, she was in a safe haven. Atleast I thought so.

It was a lazy Saturday morning and I was trying to concentrate on a training manual for the health workers. The training is designed to enhance their skills to provide care during pregnancy and delivery. It has been a Herculean task to convince experts that through these skilled workers, safe delivery can be guaranteed to a rural woman in a remote area. Evidence shows that only few women will experience complications   and need sophisticated facilities. I remembered Sunita, her reflection in Lalit’s face which was getting fresher with excitement as the due date was nearing.

“They are putting Sunita on drugs to deliver the dead baby.” Lalit’s voice was so distant and calm over the phone. It took me a full minute and 3 questions to understand what he meant. Words ebbed and there was a killing pause. He finally said “that’s okay, sab mata ki marzi hai (it is destiny). I was ashamed of myself and my fraternity. The couple had given me full right to maneuver the course of action. Why did I rely on others? I should have taken a more active stand. But how could I suspect the experts in an apex institute! They never deviated from the technically correct procedure. I realized that they were running on the technically and scientifically correct path. But they hardly stopped at culverts where sensitivity, empathy, accountability exist.

I have neither spoken nor met Lalit & Sunita since then. It had been breach in faith on my part and I feel guilty to face them. Whom should I ask about how they are coping with the loss? What happened to the new baby’s clothes which they had bought? Is she continuing taking the tonics? How shall I console them when we meet? I do not have any answer. I can only say- “I am sorry, I failed.”